Nina, Pinta, Santa Maria

GREAT EXPLORERS

Chase is studying the great explorers in school. You remember, Columbus? De Gama? Marco Polo? Anyhow, the teacher has divided the boys into 4-5 small groups in the class and asked that they think of themselves as shipmates. The other night, Chase asked us to help him with part of his homework: Come up with a list of possible names for his ship. The next day, the shipmates would get together and decide which one they all liked the best.

Here were our suggestions (who contributed):

• Sea Quest (Dad)
• Horizon (Dad)
• North Star (Me)
• Bloody Vessel (Me)
• Dinghy Dongs (Me)
• Mama’s Buoys (Me)
• Poop Patrol (Me)
• Booty Chasers (Me)

It’s amazing how this assignment really got my creative juices flowing. I didn’t list any of Chase’s suggestions because, frankly, they weren’t as good as mine. I did emphasize to him that there would be no shame in really fighting for Mama’s Buoys as the name for the ship.

The final verdict: Devil Cannons… whatever

Am I so old that historians have discovered new information about the old information I learned in school? Chase had to read a journal from one of Christopher Columbus’s shipmates and in order to help him with his assignments I found I needed to read it too. Did you know Christopher Columbus was an asshole? How the hell did he get a national holiday? As a student, history was not one of my strongest subjects, because, well, I was young and I didn’t want to read about old people. Now I find them fascinating. Karma.

GREAT TIES

By the time Chase hit 2nd Grade, Cliff decided he couldn’t help with homework anymore. WTH?!?! All I know, is those checks better keep getting deposited. Cliff used to try to “help with homework” when Chase and I were in the kitchen by yelling from the family room, “Listen to your mother!!!” and then going back to whatever was on TV. I have since asked Cliff to refrain from talking while we are focused on homework. I did find a use for Cliff  when I decided Chase was too big to wear the school-issued pre-knotted tie. The pre-knotted tie is meant for boys from 3 years old to 6th Grade! Needless to say, that tie on Chase looked ridiculous. He looked like The Colonel from KFC. I informed Cliff that he needed to teach his son how to tie a proper tie. I said I could do it, but then it would be a “girl’s tie” and be all loose and fashionable. He practically burned a path in the carpet getting to Chase. Wouldn’t you know, anything having to do with men’s haberdashery would inspire Cliff to get off the chair.

Good Dad

Now Cliff has proof he participated in Chase’s upbringing. According to Chase, he is currently working on creating the perfect dimple in his knot.

GREAT MOVERS

Appraiser from Crown Movers

Today we started the first step of our great journey back to the Motherland: the Moving Company appraisals. According to our concierge, the two best moving companies he’s seen are Nippon Express & Crown Moving Service. Having moved a few times in my life, I have come to the conclusion I hate moving companies because they are completely two-faced. In the beginning, they all want your business  and everything you own must be very expensive and insured to the maximum. Then,  when your table gets chipped or your mirror is cracked they tell you that type of damage isn’t covered or to go find the replacement at IKEA. Maybe the Japanese moving industry will prove me wrong. There is always some collateral damage coming and going. At least moving today doesn’t involve scurvy and lice.

Until next time…