These last few days have been kind of rough for me. Some possible reasons include:
- Change in season
- Upcoming holidays
- Mourning for my Mom
- Moving Melancholy
- Woman time
- I just bought L size panties from Uniqlo
I’ve been close to crying for days now and the combination of everything is just hard. The other day I received wonderful news about yet another friend getting pregnant. I am utterly and completely happy for her. However, as I continued to think about it, I realized: I’m Jealous! Anyone who knows me knows I am not a jealous person. My feelings were overwhelming and I found myself doubting who I am and where I am. This called for friend intervention, so I sent an SOS to my good friend Debra and I asked her to please tell me why I don’t want to be pregnant. She explained in her typical good-sense Michigan gal kind of way that I didn’t want to be pregnant, I just wanted to be that young mom again. I know she is right. I just happened to be surrounded by so many women in my group who are in the “it’s now or never phase” of our lives and they are choosing NOW. I don’t want to be pregnant and washing bottles and all that mess, but I feel like these arms aren’t done cuddling! The problem is, Chase is growing too big too fast and my arms feel under-utilized. I feel like it was over before I even had a chance to warm up! The other problem is Chase has spoiled me by being such a sweet and easy child. If I could clone him 100 times I would.
Cliff is in Defcon 4 trying to find a mini schnauzer to fulfill my cuddling needs. The other day I found myself at Joker. Joker is the designer pet boutique in Roppongi Hills. I ended up eyeing a couple of really cute doggie jackets and a pet snuggie. I don’t even have the new puppy yet! I feel a little like those crazy women who have fake pregnancies or buy wedding dresses before they have a boyfriend, but the nice thing about crazy is, you don’t care!
I’ve also been feeling very anxious about going back to Korea. It’s the first time I’ll be there without my mom and every time I think about it I feel like I’m melting inside. Sometimes I wish I had time to just stay at home and cry all day, but then I think if I did that would I know when to stop? Everyone says what I’m feeling is normal and I don’t need to make excuses to anyone and I’m not, I’m just so damn sad. At this point, I can’t help but wonder if I shouldn’t be medicated? I don’t feel like I could get counseling here in Japan because suffering is just normal for them. I know my friends in Tokyo are probably thinking, “What?!? I had no idea! She looks so genki and beautiful all the time!” I know. It’s a curse to be so beautiful. No one sees the real pain behind the perfect teeth and flawless skin.
Last night, I lay in bed and listened to a podcast about grief. The psychotherapist said grief is a process of adjustment. A mental & emotional relocation. He also said it can take a long time to figure out where you are. Wednesday evening, I’ll be back in Korea and I know it will be hard. Hell, it’s hard now and I’m in Japan.
Until next time…